Most of my experiences with roleplaying game groups have been positive. The culture in this hobby is more inclusive and supportive than ever. It’s honestly never been a better time to jump in. Which is exactly why I want to talk about my negative experiences in this blog post. I am a positive upbeat person, but I want to acknowledge that worst fear, warts and all, so you know just what to do.

Keep in mind, I’ve run games for a lot of groups. I mean a lot. For Knights of the Braille alone I’ve run introductory beginner games, one shots, three shots, five shots and campaigns, for dozens of groups. So the fact that I’ve run games for well over one hundred people, and only have a couple of bad experiences. This should tell you that the bad times are very rare.

That being said, in this blog I will discuss the three negative experiences I’ve had. Two were as a game master and one was as a player. Some of these may make me sound rude, but I can assure you, I welcome everyone to my table, but saying “No” to things I’m uncomfortable with–which I guess is the lesson to be found here–is necessary. I hope that by me being open and honest here, you can learn to advocate for yourself or perhaps not make some of these mistakes, or maybe you just like reading horror stories from groups. Either way, enjoy!

Not Syncing

You won’t gel with everyone, sometimes folks just aren’t for you or you aren’t for them. That’s fine. I was a player in a game, and another player just didn’t like me. I don’t know why, and I remained polite.

Out of the game, the player would be polite to other players, but change their tone for me. In-game their character would be polite to every other character, and then actively mock my character. Perhaps I was the problem. Perhaps they considered my character crude or edgy, or maybe they didn’t like the way I play or present myself. Regardless, I would never be rude to another player, so I don’t make excuses for it happening to me.

Many times the best advice is to speak with the problem player–which I agree with. But in this case, it was an established group and I felt it easier that I leave, as I had given it a dozen sessions. I have a general rule for drama in roleplaying game groups, which is: “I’m here to roll dice and have fun. If that’s not happening, I’m out.” I told the game master I wanted to leave, I didn’t tell them the reason, because I didn’t want drama, I just politely removed myself and I found a group that I was a better fit for.

People Pleasing

Most folks are showing up to your game to have a good time and they have few expectations. I had a player join a campaign, and bail after one session. I say “bail”, but they just didn’t show up to the next session, or the one after that. This happens, and my general rule is: “If you tell me you’re leaving, we’re cool and you’re welcome back anytime. However, if you leave and don’t tell me, you won’t be invited back.”

I thought this player disappearing was the end of the story. Then this player told a couple of my friends that they had an issue with myself and two other players, because we are British. Apparently, we are by proxy rude or snooty, or whatever other stereotypes this person learned to believe. I felt bad. I make a huge effort to make my groups inclusive and to put player characters first. I really beat myself up over this for a long time, worrying that I’m a rude person.

Then I realized that anyone judging people based on their nationality sucks. I’m sorry, but there’s no way to be polite about that, they just suck. The other thing is that I can’t force people to feel welcome, I can create an inclusive environment, but if they come in with a closed mind, I can’t open it for them. This player asked me to join a future game of mine, and I simply didn’t respond.

Toxic Players

If you have a player who is being difficult or rude, most of the time it’s because they are facing challenges in their real life. Whenever a player isn’t fitting with the group or seems unhappy, I will speak with them privately and ask, “Is everything okay?” I find this helps to fix the situation most of the time. Providing a judgement free zone to chat can do so much to get to the heart of the matter. If the person is shy or if schedules don’t line up, text chat is fine. Just try to make the effort.

In these circumstances, if the player’s behavior is making the group or myself uncomfortable, I make three attempts to speak with them and work towards a resolution. If we can’t get to that point, I will politely ask them to leave. If I am showing up to run a game every week and you are making me uncomfortable and we can’t resolve it, I have to ask you to leave or I have to stop running the game. My time is limited and my mental health is precious, I won’t risk either of those things.

That being said, nine times out of ten, things get resolved. You all understand each other better, the group gets closer and the game improves. But I hear you ask, “What happens when it doesn’t work out?” I have had the uncomfortable task of asking two players to politely leave games, and in both instances they did not take it well. No one likes rejection, it hurts, and it is unpleasant news to deliver. One of these two players even sent me some particularly nasty messages, which I promptly blocked. In both instances, I stopped running the games after asking the players to leave. We were in the midst of COVID at the time and my mental health was delicate, so I took their reactions hard. I continuously wondered how I was affecting them and what was the right decision, from the first moment I reached out until the final moment I asked them to leave, I second guessed myself. But, at no point did they ask how their actions may have affected the group or myself. Dealing with toxic players is a rarity, but it’s never easy and the advice I would offer is to let people know you are here to include them, but if there is no improvement you should also be frank about how the group and yourself are being affected.

Tough Situations

Nowadays my mental health is great. I’m calm, patient and I have nothing but love for the world. I’m in a great place to deal with any difficulties at the table. I’d say the toughest moments are when your mental health isn’t in a great place and you’re forced to deal with difficult situations. The best advice I could offer you at those moments, is to remove yourself from the situation. Don’t burn bridges or beat yourself up, just simply make clear that you are removing yourself from the conversations, the session or the campaign. Whatever you need to do.

I wish I could go back in time with the knowledge and strength I have now, to deal with those same situations in a different way, but failure helps you learn and those instances worked towards who I am today. Through those difficult moments I learned valuable lessons and I’m grateful to have had them. Open yourself up to new situations and challenges, it’s how you learn and grow.

Try your best, have fun and don’t beat yourself up for making mistakes. I hope you have happy groups and fun tables!